(no subject)

[lwoodbloo]

I wrote an email awhile ago to someone I was friends with in high school. She and I were very close, even when I was truly dysfunctional socially (I recall a conversation about a sympathy fuck which makes me cringe, particularly), and we haven't spoken regularly for a long time. This was all started by an old friend who was getting married, and she was the only one I knew who knew him. So I wrote her an email, apologizing for my actions way back when. I know it's awful, but I don't recall all of what happened. I remember a fairly vehement argument about christmas trees and jewish people. There was probably more, even stuff I didn't realize when it happened. Knowing me, I probably flirted with someone i shouldn't have or something similarly stupid. So, I wrote her a note just kind of saying, "Look, I know things will never be like they were, trust me, I know it. But I'd like to see you in public and not have it look like my presence is causing you acute physical pain. Maybe even have an adult conversation." I don't think anyone here knew me back then. Suffice it to say, I'd like to
think I've advanced some. In some ways, anyway. I'm still insecure as fuck. But this person, and these events, shaped me forever. I mean, someone who
you're friends with all of a sudden tells you, "I don't want to talk to you ever again." I would like to have thought we could talk about it, even back then, when things were fresh and bloody, even from wounds whose origin I can't pinpoint. I really, really, can't imagine something else I might have done to make someone react like that. But I suppose that's not for me to say. I'm babbling now. I guess I wish things had gone differently.

Comments

[saintlex.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[phoenixsong]

*hug* I understand.

[elordais.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I hope you get a response, and I know what you mean about wishing the past had changed so as to make things less sucky now though...

*sighs* Damn our insecurities.

[yetibruce.livejournal.com]

Matt, as someone who had to have that conversation with another long term friend I'd say she did what she had to at the time for her own peace of mind. That doesn't mean she stopped caring about what happened to you...only that she had to make a clean break. We've all changed over the years. I hope she has the sense to write back and see who you have become...its worth the trip:)