Don't let me alarm you.

[lwoodbloo]

I feel like a walking bruise some days. Especially lately. I feel so tender, and so damaged. I feel like everyone out there is going to do something that's going to hurt me. I feel like everyone's fucking with me, somehow. If you express interest in me, somehow, you're doing it in such a way to retract the offer at the precise moment, turning me into charlie brown over the football. It keeps happening, too. I feel sometimes like I'm in groundhog day. Although, I must say that I'm much less desperate feeling since I started therapy, and since I started teaching. But the fact remains that I wish there was a someone. A someone who won't lie to me or look for something better the first time it's convenient. A someone who's affectionate all the time, not just when it fits into their schedule. Someone who I can trust. And let me say, a lot of you are my friends on here, but most of you i do NOT trust implicitly, because more than one of you has hurt me, and hurt me in such a way that I CAN'T trust you the way I would like to.

I'm tired of people, in a lot of ways. I'm tired of trusting and having my trust violated. I'm tired of putting my feelings out there, having them used for a while, and then when you don't want my attention anymore, discarding them like a sock. And don't deny that you've done it, either.

Everyone leaves me. It just depends on when. When there's someone prettier, or smarter, or cooler, or more....more something that I'm not. But everyone leaves. And I end up like I was before. Alone, driving home. Alone, on the subway. Alone. And often, I make that choice. I choose to do this. No one but me can make me feel lonely.

Christ. This has all been here all along. It's been in my head, in my mind, in my brain. It's happened again, and again, and again. It does not distress me too much, except when I feel the betrayal again. It trickles down my spine like water some days.

Enough. I think I'm done being bitter and angry.

Comments

[queenofennui.livejournal.com]

*nuzzles* I don't think there is anyone cooler, smarter, or prettier. And if someone else thinks there is then screw them, they are so not worthy of you anyway. I hope you get to feeling better. I love ya.

Re:

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

You are a dear friend, Nina blaine. I love you very much. I'm glad I met you, and per mr zevon: "I'm lucky to be here with someone I like, who maketh my spirit to shine".

[penchantnyc.livejournal.com]

So, you admit to being pretty? Heh. :)


We get to hang out next weekend at the foodfair, whee!

Re:

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

Jason, any time I get to hang out some is fun! THEN I get to see the Paybacks.

Hey, man...

[waterfaery.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling. Really I do. And when you find someone that you don't worry will up and go as soon as someone better comes along, that's a great feeling.

But I get where you're at, and know how painful that is. You're a really fucking special guy--always have been--and when someone comes along who appreciates your wit, your independent spirit, your capacity for intense dedication, love, and loyalty, well... she'll be even luckier than you.

Getting this out there is good. Sometimes it helps to invite your demons in for tea. Usually after that, they're much better behaved.

Can't wait to see you in a coupla weeks.

Re: Hey, man...

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

I hope you're right.

I am a guy who has done some terrible things in his past. More than you will ever know, and more than I will ever tell anyone.

A lot of those qualities have been ground down by attrition and the awfulness of the opposite sex. I want to regenerate. I want to get back to points where I've been before. I want to get back to before the time one of the people I worked with in the anthro club called me a pervert. Before some dumb woman accused me of being a stalker. I could go on, but it would only lead to me being abusive to myself. To remembering how low I've been. And right now, I'm not there, and don't need to be there. Don't even get me started about why matt shouldn't be meeting women from the internet.

Re: Hey, man...

[waterfaery.livejournal.com]

regeneration is good. healing is nice.

do good things for yourself this weekend. if it were me, a bath, a good fluffy fantasy novel, and spaghetti would do it.

maybe just sit with someone who's a good enough friend that you don't have to talk and process, and play some zevon.

[phoenixsong]

I think I understand where you're coming from, mostly on the "everyone leaves" thing. And I'm sorry if I've triggered any of this.

Be good to yourself, k? *hug*

[moon-beam.livejournal.com]

<3

[violetshade.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I'm not going to pretend that you're the highest person on my priority list, but as a friend you are on there.
Regarding whatever awful things you've done, you're far from alone. You've probably seen me do some pretty fucked-up stuff; trust me, we're talking the very very little tip of the oceanic mountain. Still, from what I've seen of the Matt of today, he seems like a pretty good guy all considered.

[bigdrenza.livejournal.com]

Hi! I noticed you have Clint Eastwood listed as one of your interests. I've just started a Clint Eastwood LJ club at the the following address:

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=pale_riders

I hope to have lots of cool discussions about Clint's movies, hobbies, sightings--etc. If you are interested, hope to see you there!!

Big D
Community Administrator

[niamh1.livejournal.com]

I hope you know that I love you without limits, darling. I can't wait to see you. Wow! Twice in a month! What a treat.

phone

[sattruckguy.livejournal.com]

as always dude, you know where you can reach me when you need to chill at a bar somewhere. and yes, i will blow tracy off for you, even if she has bigger boobs.