(no subject)

[lwoodbloo]

Thanks for all the responses, y'all.

I've got a lot to think on.

I do know a couple of things:

1) I think I've got a decent working definition.

2) I don't think I'd ever get into polyamory.

Comments

[tinylilron.livejournal.com]

so what is the definition?

[eldyn.livejournal.com]

I'm not saying polyamory is for everyone, but why do you not like it so?

[penchantnyc.livejournal.com]

one of his comments to me in that other post answers that question.

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

It's not that I don't like it so.

I just get jealous when someone i like is with someone else. And I would find it problematic to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to see other people besides me, even if I'm their primary love interest. Why not just have me? Why have someone else on the side? If I want something I can't have at home, at the very least we'd talk about it. And if I can't get it, I'll do without it. And if I can't do without it, and the other person won't do it with me, refuses to ever do it....then where's the compromise? Why am I in a relationship with you?

[phoenixsong]

Not that I don't understand perfectly, but the flip side is, what if you're dating a really nice girl, love her lots, and then suddenly also (not instead) find yourself attracted and wanting to pursue someone else?

(I do get the jealousy thing, though -- I'd have the same issue if I was dating someone who wanted to be poly. "But...but...why can't you [insert whatever] with me?!")

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

If I'm attracted to someone else to the point that I MUST do something, then my SO and I need to have a discussion. And for me, there ain't no "must". Not at this point.

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

hehehe. "insert whatever" with me. hehehehehehehehe.

[meritofstars.livejournal.com]

i second that.
it would break my heart if someone wanted someone else in addition to me. it would make me feel that i'm not good enough and mainly give me similar feelings of being cheated on. i know poly relationships are not for everyone and i know for SURE they're not for me. if i'm with someone, i need to be the one and only romantic, intimate and sexual priority.

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

Per the usual, I think we're quite in sync on this stuff, Layne.

[ntang.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with this. Personally, I'm just not cut out for polyamory.

(I'm also inclined to say that most people aren't; while I've found a few that have made it work, I've seen many more couples (or technically not-couples I guess, whatever the multi equivalent of couples are) go down in flames when they tried it. It takes a lot of maturity, a lot of openness, excellent communication, control over your jealousy, and a very different worldview from the one I have. I could never manage it; my jealousy and insecurity make that impossible. I also just enjoy a monogamous relationship, too. There's something sort of weird, to me, about the whole poly thing. It doesn't make sense to me in my belly, which is not saying it's not right for some people, it's just not right for me.)

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

Whereas I think part of the reason I'm so open (pun intended, slightly) to the idea is that I have seen it work, and work quite well. I don't think that it works for everyone, but I know people in stable, long-term closed triads, and other people who have one long-term primary partner (or possibly more than one) and other relationships that are sexual for a time and eventually change back into just regular old friendships.

Of course poly relationships take work, and I think they take more work than monogamous relationships simply because there are more people involved, just like being in a monogamous relationship takes more flexibility and communication than remaining single does. :) And if it's not for you, you shouldn't do it.

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

Nick's point there wasn't that it CAN'T work, it's just that it generally doesn't, and that most people aren't cut out for it.

My take on it, as usual, is humorous, but I think i have a point: I have enough trouble with one woman, what the hell am I going to do with multiple? I barely have enough time in my life to see one person, and enough energy as well. I can't imagine, FOR ME, there being a time and place where I'd feel like distributing my energy across multiple people/relationships would be a good idea.

I've read about the whole primary/secondary relationship concept. And one thing rankles me about it: I don't do secondary well. I don't do well as someone's "piece on the side", and that's what it looks like, to me. I know, AJ, that's not how it works...but that's what it feels like. And I've been that guy once. I didn't like it, I don't think I ever will.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

Not saying that he's saying it can't work...:) Just saying that my experience has been that poly relationships don't seem to have that much higher of a failure rate than others.

If it's not for you, you shouldn't be doing it, of course. No dispute of that point.

[dirtbombsfan1.livejournal.com]

I define "cheating" as having sex with someone behind your significant other's back. I don't think it's cheating if you tell them you are going to.

I will always be in a relationship where the guy and I can go out and do whoever we want to as long as we tell each other first.

Definition stolen from my friend <lj user = "stratagos"> :)

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

"If you wouldn't do it in front of your SO, and you know that you're dead meat if they find out, then guess what? IT'S CHEATING!"

I think that about covers it.

Re: Definition stolen from my friend <lj user = "stratagos"> :)

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

I didn't say it at the time, but this right here is the definitive answer. No ifs, ands, or buts.