Rantage.

[lwoodbloo]

Yeah well. It's the usual.


So it's the same old story. "Matt, you're such a good friend". Fuck you. FUCK YOU. Go deal with the asshole who won't call you, or the one who doesn't treat you well, or the one who lives oh so far away. YOu know, I don't really have to deal with this. I want to. I want to be special to someone. I want someone to see my number and WANT to call me. I want to have someone call me at my desk and let me know that they care. I want someone to think I'm worth the risk, worth letting their guard down. You're not going to meet me in a bar, or a club, and maybe not even at a show. But I'm there. I'm spending time away from home, being around people. I'm not always good at being social. But I'm smart. And fun. And I try to be respectful.

But here I sit on a friday night, eating chinese food while my roomate and his fiancee fuck next door. And nothing makes me sadder than this. I am so sad right now. So close to breaking down in tears.

I spent the better part of an hour screaming at my parents and my ex, about how it wasn't fair, about how I don't want to be everyone's buddy. About how, when everyone I meet prefaces any meeting, "as friends", it starts to wear at you. It starts to make you doubt everything about yourself. Am I ugly? Fat? Too short? Is there something in my teeth? Am I trying to hard to be funny? And I'm better than that. I should know better than to doubt myself like that. It's corrosive. I'm corroded. I'm closer to being skeletonized on my bedroom floor, all the insecurity having burned through me.

Fuck you.

Comments

i hear you, man

[waterfaery.livejournal.com]

that's a really tough place to be. you deserve better. you deserve the woman of your dreams. and the bottom line is, anyone who doesn't see that doesn't deserve you.

So there.

oh, and *hugs* and more *hugs* and more lots and lots of *hugs*

Re: i hear you, man

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

NOT fishing for understanding. NOT fishing for anyone to feel bad for me or feel pity for me.

So don't.

Re: i hear you, man

[waterfaery.livejournal.com]

I don't feel bad for you. I feel pissed off that the universe hasn't gotten its ass in gear with respect to your love life. It's about damn time.

[ashleighlou.livejournal.com]

amen. fuck the world.

[meritofstars.livejournal.com]

i dont blame you...
i go through the same thing...
i wish i could be there and we could commiserate together...

[queenofennui.livejournal.com]

yeah, uhm.. I don't know what to say because I impulsively immed you and said everything I wanted to say, but I'm still commenting for some reason.

Oh yeah, just to say I love ya.

[helloalana]

That's me over on AIM trying to talk to you and bug you and maybe comfort or something, I dunno. But if you don't ever say anything back, it just doesn't work the way it's supposed to :P

-A-

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

RAR!

Try again! I closed the window on accident.

OR!

Yahoo me! elwoodresnick

[sisterred.livejournal.com]

Matt,

If that someone can't see how completely fucking amazing you are, how special and wonderful you are... Then it's Their Loss. Not yours. You are so much better than they could ever dream of being, obviously. Fuck them.

*BIG GIGANTIC HUGS* You are special to me.

[cherry-divinity.livejournal.com]

saying fuck you feels so damned good...I need to give that to my professor as my title of my research paper. *ahem*

[thefisherking.livejournal.com]

Hey, I've been there. It sucks. I know this doesn't help much, but dry spells like this never last. The woman who appreciates you will show up. And then this time will seem like a bad dream.

[lwoodbloo.livejournal.com]

*smiles*

Thanks bro.

[sels-in-hell.livejournal.com]

Damn I feel what you are saying and feeling everyday. You get sick and tired of being alone and seeing all these other people happy with their person. Amen to FUCK YOU! :)